Wednesday, March 06, 2024

06.03.2024 ii

In a dream I saw myself 

High in the branches of a

Cherry blossom tree      

I read a book

My mother's book, I was so Young, unjaded; free

I said be

Ware, those thin branches are stronger than they look

They'll break your bones, even as they

Break beneath you

And at this tree's base

You'll lie bleeding

Defeated

These beautiful blossoms have 

Tasted others' blood

After all, 

This is why they are this particular shade

Of pink. 

06.03.2024

Behind me, it stretches 

Sometimes frayed, but never detached,

This root

Five thousand years long

There are knots here and there of varying size and complexity, and

Sometimes parts, worn so thin as to be imperceptible to the naked eye

The colours change

From greyed browns to the

Vividest orange

––

Today 

There is a new orange sundress– bought on a 

Cold, rainy March day in New York for 

Slow April coffees in Tel Aviv

And hot, humid, impatient waiting at bus stops 

And (Hopefully) 

Slow evening walks along the tayelet

––

It's true, I have lost so much

What I'd thought were my actual roots

My parents

My love

Artifacts of lives lived 

My sense of safety, and

I will lose yet more

This is only inevitable

Yet the root will remain

Anchored deep in five thousand years of soil 

And when finally, I too 

Am soil

This is my prayer:

That fresh shoots should spring up from what was me

And the young eat the fruit I'll have left behind.






Tuesday, February 27, 2024

27.02.2024

There's a page on Facebook that showed up in my suggestions, that's all about Miami Beach from the 50s - the 80s, and, scrolling through all the pictures, I'm filled with a visceral, and often painful kind of nostalgia. There's a certain blue-ish yellow cast to the light in these pictures, and I can feel the strong, acidic sun on my sunburnt arms and back; I can smell the Solarcaine, and the way the old hotel rooms smelled: slightly musty, and extra air conditioned,  and with 40 plus years of old cigarette smoke and suntan oil and perfume still clinging to their blackout curtains. 

I remember the summer we were on Hollywood beach, and that scratchy,  white, gauze shirt I wore daily. It was the summer that "Personal Best" came out, and I was 12, or 13, or 10, and I remember running on that beach, wanting to be Mariel Hemingway, feeling both excited, because her character was like me, and wanting to celebrate this visibility by embodying it, yet hoping that nobody would be able to tell that that was what I was doing, afraid of the possibility of exposure of such an intimate truth. 

I remember how- in the evenings, at Rascal House, my shirt still stuck to my body from the combination of heat and sweat and suntan lotion and Solarcaine, as I pulled the pumpernickel and onion rolls from their basket, scooping out their insides with a probing index finger and stuffing them full of the delicious "health salad" from the stainless steel bowls. I remember feeling exotic, with my wild curls untamed, my tan, and the carved, coconut wood, monkey head pendant I wore on that trip tight around my throat, a souvenir from one of the open front shops along the boardwalk.  


So much triggered by images of a gone time. 

The pain is in the reminder of the many things lost that I'd taken for granted.  The quiet presence of my father, before life had made him bitter; my mother's fat, soft hand on my side as I- sleepy from a day in the sun, lay my curly head in her lap.  The innocence and hope and naive belief that nothing would ever really change that much, because the now, back then was so interminably long.  

It all feels so close still, as if  by turning my body in some, certain way, I might still reach out, and touch it, but it's gone.  Even the places in which these memories are set have disappeared, and the people, and the culture that they'd embodied, gone. Gone. 

Gone,  and I think–

I shouldn't stare at these pictures anymore for now.  The past has a way of seducing us with its idealised perfection, and I know myself far too well;  I'm in grave danger of drowning in that blue-yellow light.



Saturday, February 24, 2024

24.02.2024 II

Can we please speak again of other things, like 

How the delicate blossoms of the almond trees always remind you of my favourite Van Gogh, or 

How the brave lupines have already returned 

Painting the drowsy Jerusalem hills in purple? 

Do you remember, my love, that soon the markets will be filled with baskets of dark, shiny cherries

(Your other favourite reason for stained fingertips,  remember?)

Would you tell me how pretty I look in my

Old yellow sundress 

Eventhough I've pulled it, wrinkled

From the bottom of the clothes pile in the corner, 

How you've missed my shoulders in sunlight

Can we please just speak of 

Something soft for a moment

I know well how our world is burning

But must we constantly sit by in its 

Scorching heat? 

Others will surely watch it. Meanwhile, my love,  look up 

The harsh, winter light has already changed her slant.




24.02.2024

Broken

A stone in fragments I 

Return to the land

Coarse dust

Hoping that she will remind me 

How once,  I knew 

How to put myself back 

Together again

But she too is broken

(A finer dust)

And maybe I'm going home 

After all

To be 

Dust amidst dust

Here in this world of 

Whole     Hard       Stones 

I fall 

Settle  lost between cracks

But at home

I am buoyed, as 

Only the wadi wind knows how to do. 

Sunday, February 11, 2024

11.02.2024

Please, don't ever 

stop 

pointing out the 

cracks in the walls 

where sunlight leaks in;

on my own, 

I only know how to see 

locked doors.

Monday, February 05, 2024

05.02.2024

 דברו איתי על האופן שבו כל הנשמות מנוקות לאחר שאנו משאירים מאחורינו את בשרנו; ספרו לי כיצד כאב ואובדן ושנאה וכל הדברים הנוראיים האלה הם רק חלק מהחוויה הארצית שלנו

אין לי מושג אם אאמין לך או לא, אבל יהיה סיפור נחמד

💔


Friday, February 02, 2024

02.02.2024

I

Like some old ram-

shackled stone house, am

Haunted 

Not only by ghosts of a life once lived 

Of people who I have loved and lost

But by a life I lack even the 

Pluck to meet.

If only she would court me gently on softened steps so as 

Not to spook me or send me running toward

Nightmares, and fantasies of 

Needless sleep

I might love her 

I might lay down beside her and 

Welcome her into my body

But she is brusque

And loud

Inconsiderate and more and more inconsiderable 

And I am growing impatient with her ways. 



Tuesday, January 23, 2024

23.01.2024

If I could be honest with you, I mean, really, really honest, I'd tell you how lately, several times a day I have to forcibly keep myself from downing my generous cache of oxy and xanax, more out of terror at an uncertain future,  than simple hopelessness. 

If I could be honest with you, I mean, really, really honest, I'd tell you how the only way I can see myself surviving beyond this, or any given week, is if somebody came along and took me by the hand and promised to help me to navigate this nightmare world as if I was a child. 

If I could be honest with you, I mean, really, really honest, I'd tell you how I'm as terrified that someone will offer me help, as I am that no one will. 

If I could be honest with you, I mean, really, really honest, I'd tell you how what terrifies me is the thought that whoever offers me help will come to realise that I'm a fraud of a human being

Not even plastic, but paper

So easily torn

So easily torn to shreds.

Monday, January 01, 2024

31.12.2023

I had decided

That for the sake of self preservation

I'd regard the New Year as insignificant, to 

Do nothing to mark the occasion

And yet

In the upper right-hand corner of my phone's screen, it reads 

"11:48"

And I feel as though the seconds are ticking down to my execution. 

11:49

I wish it would pass 

Unceremoniously as any other night

But this night is different from 

All other nights;

On this night, the heel of a boot grinds into me

The coarse white ashes of my previous life

Abrasive

Leave tender, and bloody, and raw indentations. 

11:52

11:53

Alone. 

11:54

בדד

11:55

לעולם ועד 

11:56

חלאס

נמאס לי

Enough. 


Wednesday, December 20, 2023

 Sometimes, in the midst of that strange, dreamless sleep between dreams, 

An image 

Some random, mundane object that was a fixture in my parents' house pops into my head, and my body jerks violently awake, short of breath, heart pounding. 

It's all gone. 

The enormous "I'll Drink To Anything" mug that held two regular mugs worth of coffee 

The green, oval cigar tin from the middle section of the downstairs medicine cabinet

The enormous, wooden headboard in my parents' bedroom that made a specific sound I've never heard replicated, when it banged against the wall whenever someone sat on the bed

Gone. 

All this familiar ephemera–

Elements of a world I once knew, sacred only for their profanity

Things affixed firmly in time, place, soul 

This world in which I now find myself can only be characterised by familiarity's absence

I reach out in all directions

Try to snatch "home" elements from the aether.

They cost so much

None of them are the same.



Sunday, November 19, 2023

19.11.2023

The moon

Takes note 

Remembers 


The sun

Boisterous, hopeful thing

Is unbothered.


For once

Let us dance together

Under the sun

Plant sweeter grapes

Grow stronger grains


We'll let the moon 

Keep her records

The times our vineyards were barren

Our fields dry and cracked


And one day, we'll gather together

Eat good bread dipped in olive oil

Eat sweet, cool grapes

And read, but the

Pangs of our hunger 

Will be too distant anymore to hurt us. 






Monday, November 13, 2023

13.11.2023

When I hear you say, 

That "Zionism is Terrorism"

I understand:

You want me to hate myself for

The crime of existing. You

Want me to apologise for the

Crimes of your ancestors. 

I'm a betrayal; an indictment of your

White Guilt

I'm your scapegoat

How dare I refuse to comply? 

Thursday, November 02, 2023

02.11.2023

Thursdays are bad. 

It's on Thursdays, I do my shot, so it's like I get PMDD every week, which is particularly strong on Thursdays. 

This particular Thursday marks one year since my partner passed, and is two days before what would have been our 19th anniversary.  

On this particular Thursday, 1,538 beloved members of my family have been murdered since 7 October, and so much of the world doesn't seem to care at all.  

On this particular Saturday, I've received my third Facebook restriction for talking about this fact.

On this particular Thursday, I'm tired.  

On this particular Thursday, I badly want to rest.  

On this particular Thursday, I went and took inventory of the pills I've squirreled away, or rather, I held the amber, plastic bottles in my hand and read their labels; my late father's Oxycodone, and my own amassed fortune of Alprazolam. It was comforting, but

On this particular Thursday, I quickly put them away, lest I forget to resist my own hand.  

On this particular Thursday, I'd promised myself I'd do the dishes piling up in the sink, make the bed, and put away the laundry, so that I could get to the rest of the laundry that I desperately need to do,  but I've done none of this. 

Instead

On this particular Thursday, I'm going back to bed.  

Maybe sleep will- at least for a few hours, calm this empty ache that's for so long been eating me like a cancer. 

Wednesday, November 01, 2023

31.10.2023

From time to time, I find myself suffused with a deep longing to feel closer to my Judaism. 

Tonight, I dug out an old, pocket-sized sefer tehillim, put it into a blue, velvet pouch, and placed it in the army green satchel that's recently, for reasons of practicality, supplanted my handbag. 

I searched through my dusty, disordered bookshelf for an old friend in A B Yehoshua, couldn't find it, and settled on a beaten up second (or third? ) hand copy of Amos Oz's "My Michael", purchased at Dani Books on Ibn Yisrael on a bored, rainy, winter afternoon in Jerusalem. It now sits beside me on the bed. I may or may not re-read it, but that's not the point; it's a friend. 

I resolved to say the Shema before sleep, and sought out Shoah documentaries on YouTube, to put on after the Shlomo Artzi concert to which I'm currently listening. 

I know the images and stories will only intensify the painful feelings of trauma I'm currently experiencing, along with the rest of klal am yisrael, which, right now, is exactly the point. This, too, is a deep part of my Judaism.

My Judaism, molded on both sides of the sea (to paraphrase Achinoam Nini), is Friday night candles and dinner with my family (when they were alive,) before going out with friends; it's Shlomo Artzi, Amos Oz, Kavveret and Chumos, Kasha varnishkes, Bamba, and mezuzot on every door whose klafei have never once been checked. It's the occasional bracha when I think of it, and my collection of magnei David that always make me feel powerful when I wear them. 

It's the stories my parents and grandparents told me that live in me in softened, pink hues, with rough edges so sharp they still cut deep.

It's so much of the trauma I, and my parents, and their parents, and so on, "midor ledor" have had woven into every cell of our being. The trauma is important, you see. It is the ner tamid that burns forever and keeps us warm in this cold world. 

It's the scab that never heals, that at times, like now, I pick, just to see the blood. 




Sunday, October 29, 2023

מולדת

כאן בביתנו גר אח שלי
זה גם את הבית של אחותי
ואמא, ואבא, גם סבתה שלי
 וגם את הסבא, ולפעמים, 
הוא גם את הבית של הבני דוד שלי
הארץ שלנו
כל כך קטנה
והמרפקים שלנו
הם תמיד חבולים

Tuesday, October 24, 2023

24.10.2023

This world has consumed my resolve 

Like a handful of the 

Crumbs of chips

The only remainders

At the bottom

Of a Pringles can. 


Sunday, October 22, 2023

22.10.2023

Can we go home now? 

There's no good rides, and the food is terrible and

I'm out of tickets anyway. 

I'd looked forward to this for so long, 

But the funhouse mirrors are all cracked, and

The paint is peeling.

The ferris wheel is rusted and I don't trust it, and

Even the teacups are out of order. 

How many times can we play that  game? 

The ping pong ball will

Never fit into the bottle.

I've had my fill of funnel cakes.

Can we leave now? This place is too loud.

I've a headache, and I want to rest. 



Saturday, October 21, 2023

21.10.2023 II

In line at the grocery store

There was a couple in front of me

She pushed the cart while he

He scratched her back

Gently through her coat

And she gave in to fatigue

Or affection

Or both, and her head fell to the side that he was on 

They shared conversation

That no one else could hear

How much, I thought

They looked like we once did. 

21.10.2023

I wear you like a scarf 

In winter, you keep me warm

But in summer

You itch my neck

And I wish that I could take you off.

Saturday, October 14, 2023

14.10.2023

 If these horrors break you open

as they do me

Let yourself be broken

Let yourself be open

Humanity is a river in which we live

Let it in

Let it fill the

Spaces between your organs

Let it fill your organs

Let it take you over until there is

No more you. 

You are us.  

We are you. 

There is no difference. 

No difference at all.

Friday, October 13, 2023

13.10.2023

 Today is Hamas' "Day of Rage"

Today, I have therapy downtown. 

Today, I'm wearing my blingiest Magen David. 

Today, I am afraid.

I'm afraid, but I won't be made 

to hide. 

And even if I could hide, why should I?

Why should my lot be any different from that of my 

Brothers, sisters and siblings who cannot hide? 

Because they are charedi 

Or because they live in Re'im

Or a thousand other ways 

in which we are separated from the world. 

True, maybe it's guilt: 

That I'm here in NY, 

While so many of my loved ones are still in our homeland. 

It probably is, but nevertheless. 

I am Re'im.

I am Nova.

I am Kfar Aza.

I'm Tel Aviv.

I'm a Zionist.

I'm an Israeli. 

I am a Jew.

הנני.

Wednesday, October 11, 2023

11.10.2023

 Our heart is broken.

We'd be soulless if it wasn't

And we are not. 

Our heart is broken

Wide open

This is why you can hear it beat even across the world. 

Let your heart break, 

Especially if it's soft.  

Don't waste your precious energy denying this injury 

But remember always

Softness is malleable

Our broken heart will heal 

Scar tissue will create

New shapes 

New strengths

Tend to this broken heart

And remember it's not just yours

That we are a people of one heart

In however many bodies.

Tuesday, October 10, 2023

10.10.2023

How often I've heard

Antisemites claim

That we Jews went like sheep 

To our deaths in the Shoah

But this morning, there's something I 

Can't help but wonder

How many of us actually did acquiesce to our own murders

 

How many of us saw how dismal the world had become

How many of us—

Through layers of generational trauma, felt

The old familiar hatred 

And hostility that had risen once again

And sensed our hopelessness

In the deafening silence of supposed friends, who were 

Too intellectual to

So much as name the injustice

Without "considering the complexities at hand"


I can't help but wonder 

How many of us went to our deaths

But not like sheep after all

Rather like warriors

Knowing how our deaths 

Would come to stain humanity


Apparently, such stains fade 

In almost no time at all. 



Monday, October 09, 2023

09.10.2023

How can I scroll past your photo? 

You, amongst the 1400 something other worlds that have been immolated

Consumed

As if you were some 

Thin symbol in

Soy ink on rice paper

Thinner than the pixels that

Create this fake ghost of you now 

How can I scroll past your face, when my 

Black hole heart wants to contain you forever?

And maybe therein

There is really a white hole

Maybe 

Rather than collapsing,

Into some terrible singularity, 

My black hole heart can

Draw you in

Protect you

Until it can cough you out again

Safe

Bright

And whole 

On the other side.

Monday, September 11, 2023

11.09.2023

 This picture haunts me. 

There's great beauty in these forms and colours, but the windows are so dark; they look cold and eternal,  as though I'm looking into a portal between the worlds of the living and the dead.  I can't look away, but it terrifies me.




Thursday, August 24, 2023

24.08.2023

I'm a natural sceptic, but right now, I'm a heartbroken sceptic in search of something— ANYTHING to make me feel connected to my Carrie, and so when today, in the middle of my living room, this candy wrapper fell, seemingly from the ceiling, it felt like a sign. Carrie used to buy these for us every year, because she loved white chocolate, and I loved Reese's, especially the holiday editions.  (Better chocolate to peanut butter ratio in my opinion.)

And so, for a moment or two, I'll push aside my scepticism, and enjoy what really may be no more than the serendipity of a messy, cluttered apartment in dire need of cleaning, and a recently repositioned fan. 


Except...


That's not really how it happened, is it?  No, but the truth is far less magical, and we all love a good story, so I won't tell you the truth, about how the thing that actually fluttered to the living room floor was a crumpled, twisted receipt from Duane Reade that had likely been sitting on the sideboard, and that the candy wrapper was introduced when it stuck to my bare foot as I walked over the detritus that's still thick on the floor on my love's side of the bed where I hardly ever go, because I'm afraid to disturb any more remnants of her presence in this apartment, but it's dark and cloudy outside, and I needed to turn on her lamp.  

I won't tell you any of that, because it's sad. And we all like a good story.  Something to cling to in an unstable world. 

And so, we'll stick with the story that the special wrapper, with the ghost on it was conveniently positioned on some high shelf, perfect for my love to send fluttering to my feet, just to let me know she's still here.



Friday, August 18, 2023

18.08.2023

 Fallen leaves

Dessicated in the 

Late Autumn's cold winds

Crumble to nothing

They crumble so easily. 

Friday, August 04, 2023

04.08.2023

I've been tempted to check on my ticket

To hold it in my hands

Take stock of my inventory

But a body in motion tends to stay in motion

Unless acted upon by an equal 

And opposite force

Something I'm severely 

Lacking at the moment


"She's got a ticket to ride

She's got a ticket to riii-hiii-hiiide

She's got a ticket to ride.."


But unfortunately 

She still cares.

Thursday, August 03, 2023

03.08.2023

I envy the wild orchid

And wish I too 

Might bloom for six to ten weeks

then lose 

My head, and quiet- like a stone, lie 

Dormant in my bed

Of cool, soft loam

To bloom again

and begin anew

When the days are agreeable

And the cold skies 

blue.


Monday, July 31, 2023

17.04.2014

An old piece I wrote many years ago. 

.....


G


You were

snail paced walks round the

Botanical Gardens, 

creeping cacti and 

     alien orchids–

unlikely as painted plastic

You were

Intimate coffees 

on Broadway 

& on 9th Street

Trepidation and excitement at the thought you might touch my arm

You were 

a thoughtful gift 

from Trader Joe's:

chocolate covered potato chips I'd once proclaimed should be covered by Obamacare 

But you were also 

A party-size, blue bag of

Cool Ranch Doritos

eaten numbly 

by the handful,

Stuffing down hurt as I

Stuffed them down my throat,  

in my car, parked on Park Avenue South

and

You were 

my regret:

a failed test for my 

fledgling boundaries

and a mistake from which 

I'll do my best not to learn.

Saturday, July 22, 2023

22.07.2023 II

 I'm suicidal

And so I write, 

And so I edit, and 

Edit again

Until my thoughts lose shape

Until my lines lose meaning

Until I'm so sick of my

Moribund thoughts

That bored

I roll over

And go to sleep. 


22.07.2023

Thick, warm

Like Mother, the voice 

Says “It’s time. You're tired. You should rest now. 

Rest.”

Half asleep, 

And with aching hands,

I type

Against the glaring light of my phone's screen 

These notions might lose some of their loft

But left alone

They might lift me from this bed

And carry me off

On compliant legs. 

 


Thursday, July 20, 2023

Memoir (this is a work in progress.)

With the advent of mobile phones and social media, we’ve learned to externalise so many of our memories;  Instagram and Facebook, and the omnipresence of cameras within our phones have granted us an expansion of our very minds; these devices have become, in and off themselves, sense organs, and archives. 

Having grown up in the 80s, there are precious few pictures of my teen years. My parents were far from fond of my aesthetic choices, and I never had enough pocket money to invest in the taking of pictures, or development of film. 

My inner images of myself from that time are all that survive, and they all have wavy edges, prone to the kindness of idealism, or the cruelty of internalised judgements from others.  There is one picture that does exist, one taken with a phone some 15 years ago of a TV screen, whereon was playing a VHS tape:  I’d been filmed one day for the news, because home Karaoke had just been invented: I was in the 163rd St Mall, and a local news station was doing a light hearted segment on people’s reactions to the device which would allow anyone to “feel like a star in their own living room”. I sang “Singin’ in the Rain”, because that’s the song Alex and his droogs sang in “Clockwork Orange”. Punk rock man. 

Anyhow, the picture is of a 17 year old me: I’m smiling, and looking down. There’s a microphone cupped in both my hands, and my curly mohawk has fallen over my eyes.  I look particularly gentle, I think.  Soft. Vulnerable.  Contrary to the image I strove to project, of an angry, toughened, punk rock psychopath who’d shoplift earrings from the Woolworth’s, and stab them through my ear on a whim; I wanted desperately to be seen as someone not to be messed with, because at the time, I was someone everyone messed with.  I was a veritable punching bag for every bully at my school, including teachers and faculty who’d never outgrown such tendencies.

Sometimes I wonder what it might be like if I were able to travel back in time to those days, to observe myself in that context; perhaps even more revealingly, to observe those who took delight in tormenting and bullying me; I wonder what I might see in them. Their bullying was brutish, never sophisticated.  I wonder what I might be able to perceive in their faces; what might their microexpressions reveal?  Was there really such hate? Was there fear? Was there helplessness and angst desperate for an outlet, any outlet? 

Was there guilt?

I reach back with my mind, but those images are even fuzzier than those of my own face. In fact, if pressed, I doubt I could even name a single one of my tormentors: not the jocks who called me “faggot” as they beat and kicked me while I lay in a fetal position on the floor, trying to protect my face, not the vice principal who then brought me into his office, pulled down my pants, bent me over his desk and paddled me for “fighting”. 

I remember the small revolver revealed threateningly to me one day out on the front steps by the metalhead kid who often threw raw eggs at me, but I don’t recall his face or name. Like some perverse version of Proust’s tea soaked madeleines however,  the image of any similar gun on the news brings that moment back to me in the kind of clarity only one fearing for her survival might experience:  his face, blotted out,  but the gun, an image as clear as my mental image of the phone on which I’m now typing this memoir.

.....

On the morning of my eighteenth birthday,  my mom bade me to drop out. She and my dad had been called into the office enough times to witness the way the students behaved, and, more concerning for my mom, the way the faculty and staff spoke to the students. She saw the inherent violence on it all.

.....

I found the picture I’d described in my Instagram,  and it’s somewhat different: rather than looking down, my face is slightly downturned, but my eyes are looking up, and my smile looks almost... menacing? 

This is the fallibility of memory.  Perhaps in my previous description, I was

Describing how I might have seen myself at the time, were I granted the time travel opportunity I described above. 

Then again, maybe the shot I’d captured was a split second after I’d been looking down, smiling sheepishly. It’s possible.  I can envision the two expressions, and they flow together organically.

.....

 

Sometimes, in the midst of that strange, dreamless sleep between dreams, an image of some random object that was a fixture in my parents’ house pops into focus, and my body jerks violently awake, short of breath, heart pounding. 

All gone.  

The enormous “I’ll Drink To Anything” mug that held two regular mugs worth of coffee, the green, oval cigar tin from the middle section of the downstairs medicine cabinet, the enormous, wooden headboard in my parents’ bedroom that made a specific sound I’ve never heard replicated each time it banged against the wall whenever someone sat on the bed...

Gone. 

All this familiar ephemera–

Elements of a world I once knew with my skin: mundane things affixed in time, place, soul...

The world I find myself in now can only be characterised by the absence of familiarity; I reach out in all directions, trying to snatch “home” elements from the ether.

They cost so much, and none of them are the same.

.....

I burrow deeply into nostalgia, like a worm, grasping at objects that lie along the way: that chrome, “snowcap” bottle-cap pin I wore daily in the eighth grade, the two- tone blue Vans I wore until they had holes, and my parents begged my therapist to convince me to throw them away, the khaki safari fedora from Merry-Go-Round that I was so proud of...

And of all things, it’s now an image of the roughly woven, off white, textile curtains that hang in what was my father’s office, (which used to be the family room) in the Miami house that now pervades my thoughts; this specific, and unimportant thing,  that witnessed the daily, evening family ritual in the early 80s, when we’d gather after dinner on the roughly upholstered couch to watch that day’s episode of Guiding Light on the VCR, that- once turned from family recreation space into my father’s office,  hung silently behind my mother’s back on those sleepless nights she’d play Freecell at my father’s computer while softly listening to Schubert’s “Trout” on CD; that witnessed my father’s endless frustrations, cursing over computer, after computer, after computer down the years that he could never manage to wrangle to his will..

Those curtains, like the details of the corners of the produce section at the Winn Dixe across the street, that I used to visualise like a meditation on hot, lonely nights when I couldn’t sleep seven thousand miles away in Kfar Habad...

Artifacts are witnesses.

When all is threateningly unfamiliar, it seems to be things that are specific and trivial, even mundane that offer a feeling of safe familiarity.  Maybe this is the lure of nostalgia; we’ve already survived this past; the only thing the future promises, is that at some point, we won’t.

.....

The house, and all that it contained is gone. I’ve been paid off.

What a weird chapter.  I feel like a character torn from the pages of a book that’s been my entire universe since the day I was written, and now...

Now that every copy has been thrown on the fire; I’m adrift in empty space, bereft of plot, setting, history. A mirror reflecting nothing.

.....

The other day, a friend posted on Facebook, asking about people’s first apartment; mine was in South Gate, Los Angeles. 

It was 1988, and for 120.00/week, I got to sleep in a roach infested one story row motel, next door to Samsam’s Liquor, where the bathroom window wouldn’t close completely, and I had to sleep in socks, sweatpants and a hoodie with the hood pulled tight around my head and a bandana tied over my face to keep the roaches from crawling into my ears, mouth or nose. I lived on Night Train from Samsam’s and quesadillas from the burrito truck and I thought life was amazing, because I’d escaped the hell of suburban Unincorporated Dade County,  Florida.

I’ve lived in several crappy apartments. 

There was the motel in Key West,  where my friend Meredith fell through the rotting, wooden floor one morning on her way back to bed from the bathroom.  It was another motel, and we shared not only a single room, but a single bed as well, although I ended up sleeping on the beach most nights whenever she had a trick. 

There was the “closet” on Dor Dor veDorshav Street in Jerusalem, that was about 2 sq metres, and then there was the place in East Harlem, on the third floor of an old walk up,  where the stairs had a literal depression in the middle from a hundred years of foot traffic; it was over a 24 hr car wash, and I had 6 roommates (2 of us per room). The Brasilian landlady  kept a fermented crab in a bottle on top of the fridge, and I later learned, she’d routinely go through my things while I was at work.

This place, the one that Carrie and I shared for 18 years, is the nicest place I’ve ever lived; it’s the first place that’s really felt like “home”, albeit less so in my love’s absence. 

And things are changing here. Last night, I broke a small ceramic plate.  It slid out of the cabinet and bounced off the stone countertop.  Until it exploded on the floor, I’d maintained a vain hope it might survive.  It was one of two survivors of a set that’s lost members over the years in various ways.  The two had nested comfortably atop the pile of pasta bowls on the lower shelf of the cabinet for years. Now there’s only one.

.....

When,  in 1987 Sinéad O’Connor’s album “The Lion and The Cobra” came out, I was instantly obsessed. She was everything I wanted to be: powerful, beautiful, vulnerable, so unflinchingly herself.

I was an awkward, traumatised, bullied, 18 year old punk in my father's black combat boots, and a grossly oversized, loud, polyester old man’s suit I’d bought at “Red, White and Blue Thrift” on 6th. I was also seen by most people as a boy, although even the gargantuan suit in which I hid fit far better than that designation.

I was sensitive, suicidal, friendless, and the favourite target of every bully in North Miami Beach. 

I was also carless, and so, daily I’d take the 9 Downtown bus to the 163rd St Mall, to break out of my suburban isolation, to see people and be seen.

A favorite way to pass my travel time was to fantasise conversations with Sinéad.  I just knew that if somewhere along the bus route she happened to board, being the outlandish, punk rock beacon I was, she’d see me, with my shaved head and many piercings, and surrounded by the conservative nightmare of 1980s Miami, we’d become instant friends.

And so in my imagination, she’d get on at the stop after mine, by the 7-11. At first, we’d talk shyly to one another: she’d tell me she was in town visiting family.  She’d ask me if I had an extra cigarette, and what there was to do. I’d suggest we walk down to “Open Books and Records”, or go Thrift Store hopping; there really weren’t many options.  She was 3 days short of 2 years my senior, but it didn’t matter; we were of the same tribe, and I loved her fiercely. I wanted her to become my older sister, my protector, and I wanted to protect her. I imagined her standing fearlessly between me and my bullies, and I imagined quiet moments of emotional intimacy. I think many big loves of all kinds might be born this way.

.....

I’m tempted to check on my ticket

To hold it in my hands

Take stock of my inventory.

 

But a body in motion tends to stay in motion

Unless acted upon by an equal

And opposite force

Something I'm severely

Lacking at the moment.

 

“She’s got a ticket to ride

She’s got a ticket to riii-hiii-hiiide

She’s got a ticket to ride..”

But alas

She still cares.

Resistance takes up so much space, and all of my energy.  I’m constantly worried I’ll run out, and of course, the inner dialogue is constant:

“Why are you bothering? What do you think could possibly change?”

“I don’t know, but I’m afraid I’d end up leaving the party right before it gets good. “

“But you’re tired. You’re so tired. And everything hurts. And the bills are mounting, and the city is starting congestion pricing. You won’t be able to afford to even leave your neighbourhood anymore, you’re going to be more isolated than ever, and what will you do when your funds run out?”

“I don’t know. 

I don’t know.”

I finish my coffee, and return to bed.

 

Tuesday, May 23, 2023

23.05.2023

So the demon is once again on my shoulder

Telling me again and again 

Of the weightless softness of nothingness

And of how,  in fact, 

No matter how wonderful these

Odd compensations

They are still

Compensations, unable ever to be more. 

I'm so tired of hearing

"It will get better", when 

Even when it does, 

It never stays that way. 

Right now, 

My breath itself makes me anxious

I long to put my

Diaphragm to rest

No

Nothing new has happened

There is no fresh injury

This is just the way it is

This is how it has always been.

Monday, May 22, 2023

22.05.2023

Pay attention. 

To now. This moment. 

I promise you

Whatever you're going through

Good, awful, or mundane

One day, if you're lucky enough to still exist

Nostalgia will strike

And you'll try to recapture 

What you were wearing

What you were feeling

What the weather felt like

What slant of light, 

How your father looked, sitting at his desk in his 

Ben Gurion shirt and khaki pants that

No belt could ever hold up 

Above his slender hips

How your mother's students sounded

On their toy- like violins, playing

Variation after variation 

Of "Twinkle"

Which dog, 

Or dogs were alive at that time

What you ate for dinner when you gathered around the 

White formica table that night

After your mom's last students for the day had finally left

Once your father had been a

Woken from his 

Afternoon nap  

And since

We still can't Google 

Our own intimate experiences of things

Pay attention

I promise you

There will come a day you will 

Want to recall 

This now. 


Tuesday, April 18, 2023

American Road Trip

Sundress n old docs  

Too dark gas station sunglasses with the

Cracked black plastic frames

Cigarette ash flies back in 

Open window wind 

The past year fades with the FM reception

Push in the tape

Let's shoutsing a new song. 

Thursday, April 13, 2023

13.04.2023

While you've been away in your

Cool dark grave,

Summer has returned to 

Our Yorkville street: 

The boisterous birds

Crowd the branches of green Gingko

The women walk past in

Sundresses, or shorts

Even the Brownies writing tickets

Have uncovered their arms. 

I have unearthed my

Canvas camp chair,  

Returned to my second floor perch on the catwalk

Unlike me, the 

City barely notices your absence 

One day, my own will be

Just the same. 

Tuesday, March 28, 2023

28.03.2023 : Brainfog

Murky
Muddy head 
Head of bees buzz
Head of staring– confused 
At my 
Weekly     pill    organiser
(AM or PM,
        Yellow or blue?)
Head of 
Puzzled preparations I've done a million times :
Coffee
Toast
Head of helium and stone
Head of aborted poems

Monday, March 20, 2023

20.03.2023 II

You read to me the words

Of Marina Tzvetaeva

As much for the pleasure their shapes make in your mouth

As the sound of your voice 

Does my ears

But you can understand them: 

A luxury I can't afford

Only can I watch your face

Suffuse with the pleasures 

Of nostalgia

And that alone for me is enough. 

20.03.2023 I

The pleasures of lying naked in bed,
My Hitachi cools from her labours 
     beside me
Late afternoon light 
Through
Dirty white curtains 
Stain blue, 
     white walls
And through open window
     children's voices 
Scrapes of plastic bigwheels 
braking on concrete 
Basketball percussion 
Spring symphony.

Friday, March 17, 2023

17.03.2023

Of all things, it's an image of the roughly woven, off white, textile curtains that hang in what was my father's office, (which used to be the family room) in the Miami house that haunts my thoughts right now; this specific, and unimportant element of nostalgia, that witnessed the daily, evening ritual in the early 80s when we'd gather after dinner on the roughly upholstered couch to watch that day's episode of Guiding Light on the VCR, that- once turned from family recreation space into my father's workspace,  hung silently behind my mother's back on those sleepless nights she'd play Freecell at my father's computer whilst softly listening to Schubert's "Trout" on CD, that witnessed my father's endless frustrations, cursing over computer, after computer, after computer down the years that he could never quite wrangle to his will.. 

Those curtains, like the corners of the produce section in the neighbourhood Winn Dixe I used to visualise on hot, lonely nights when I couldn't sleep in Kfar Habad.. 

When everything is threateningly unfamiliar, it's trivial things– specific and trivial, even mundane things that offer a feeling of safe familiarity.  This is the true lure of nostalgia; because we have already survived the past, and the only thing the future promises, is that we won't.

Meital

Meital shifted her weight on the hard crate and looked at the tall, covered mirror her mother had once stood in front of, shifting her weight from this foot to the other, tugging this piece of her blouse and tucking in that bit; always making sure she was "just so" before walking out the door.  

The neighbours, who weren't Jewish didn't know the customs of shiva, but they did all they could just the same; Mrs Fitzpatrick had brought over pizza the first night, (with pepperoni,) and Steven, the Super had brought up Cadbury chocolate eggs and yellow and pink marshmallow peeps, explaining that his wife had cleaned out the shelves at CVS after Easter, and that "everyone likes sugar!"

Meital agreed and swallowed the eggs like a starving dog once everyone had gone home.

Now,  the sugar craving hit afresh as she sat, alone on the green crate and wished she hadn't finished the chocolate so thoughtlessly the night before.  All that was left was the two packets of peeps. 

"But they're so cute" thought Meital.  "How can I eat something this cute?"

She took a yellow one out of the packet and held it in her hand.  "Ok," she said out loud,  "when I bite into you, you'll be born some place else, but as a real chick!" Meital had played games like this with herself since she was a girl.  It was the only way she could bring herself to eat animal crackers.  She ate the peeps, one after one and sucked the sugar off her sticky fingers. 

"I wish that when we died, we could be born someplace far away but in a different form" she thought. 

On a distant world, a new baby opened her orange eyes for the first time, as vague memories of someone named  Meital quickly faded like a dream.

Sunday, March 12, 2023

12.03.2023

You 

Are stone—   stuck

Where throat turns 

To chest;   I

Can neither swallow

Nor cough you up. 

Saturday, March 11, 2023

11.03.2023

Unquiet, the yellow sun bursts excitedly through my window, 

Already, in mid-March,

At April's softened slant; 

She beckons me to walk 

Down by the old churchyard

Count the shooting crocuses 

Impatient as adolescence

But I cannot oblige her,  

So, as if in consolation

She sets to fire all of the 

Exuberant flecks of dust 

That dance above my floor

In the cold, late Winter's air.  

Monday, March 06, 2023

06.03.2023

It's bright outside:

The seasonal slant of light has shifted again 

Blue grey, to green gold

Already preparing us for 

Early Spring bulbs to burst 

Through hard ground

I sit sideways by my yellow table, eating 

A crisp, late Winter's apple

The still cool air slips in under the lip of the window that won't quite close

Over the dusty rows of books lined up on my sill,

Like a younger lover, insistent I walk with her down to the river

Perfumed steam from the first floor — someone is doing laundry.

Sunday, March 05, 2023

04.03.2023 Vignette 1

"I love other haunted people," she said, pouring our sixth cup of tea, "people who refuse to hide from their own ghosts, I feel like I can trust them."

I nodded and sipped from the small, heavy cup I held unnecessarily in both hands. We'd finished our meal what felt like hours before; the tea had grown strong, and ice cold. Outside, the snow was ankle deep. I asked the visibly impatient waiter for another pot.

Tuesday, February 28, 2023

28.02.2023

The day my dad died

I ate my breakfast quietly 

No Podcast, nor music

There were no radishes for my tartine 

Afterwards, 

I showered 

Shaved my legs and washed my hair


The day my dad died

There were so many calls to make

The rabbi wanted me to write something up for the funeral

I couldn't remember my parents' anniversary


The afternoon of the day my dad died

I sewed shut the broken zipper on the side of a skirt

Put new laces in

My black shoes

Got the mail

Wrote a grocery list


On the evening of the day my dad died

There would be no seven o'clock

"How was your day?" 

Nor "Did you eat any dinner?"

And no "I love you"s


The day after my dad died

We buried him

I watched it all on zoom

Men respectfully covered his grave 

From a mound of dry, grey soil 

The Rabbi spoke of my dad's smile

Intoned prayers

Bade me tear my clothes

All the while

The dishwasher purposefully hummed from the other room.

An apple core oxidised on the table before me

And outside my window

A few white flakes fell from a 

High, grey sky. 



Sunday, February 26, 2023

26.02.2023

The old familiar birds nest of your thin bones

Bones that nursed your cancer— 

Carefully, like eggs, 

Until hatched, it consumed you

Liver and spleen,

Now burst you out from that

Chalky cage. 



Saturday, February 25, 2023

25.02.2023

How can I pull the

Warm light of day 

Back into the darkness 

Of these atrophied cells, when

Packed under layers of 

Cold, wet earth

I'm already becoming

Blind like stone?

Saturday, February 18, 2023

18.02.2023 ●

 


There is a reason we

Compare grief

To a black hole :


It's so massive

Inescapable

It has a gravity

All its own. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2023

14.02.2023

"Strong" is a trap. 

"Strong" is a lie.

"Strong" denies the cracks in the foundation. 

Were I a house, I would be condemned, 

Not told how the cracks don't show,

How the clumps of crumbling plaster are "normal" after what I've been through, or worse, 

Don't really matter at all.


I am not strong,

Nor am I weak; I am 

Hollowed out, decayed and infested with the blackest mould crawling up my walls. 

I am imploding;

Sinking into unstable ground.

Demons have taken up residency inside my

Derelict walls.

I decay where I stand; that is, 

When I'm able to stand at all. 

Mostly I sit,

Still as old bricks,

And wait for the earth

To reclaim me.

Saturday, February 11, 2023

11.02.2023

Old igneous crumb the earth has coughed up

Adrift in black and airless space

Even the stars were a 

Broken promise

Cold

White and

Beautiful corpses.







Saturday, February 04, 2023

My Submission to NYT Modern Love

 

Last month, my beloved partner Carrie passed away while I held her hand after a lifetime of severe illnesses. I buried her two days later on what would have been our 18th anniversary. 

Today, thirty three frought days after I lost my love, I turned 54, and so naturally, shortly after I finished my birthday mug of hot chocolate, I broke down and began quietly sobbing in Max Brenner. 

It wasn't loud or particularly disruptive, but if someone happened to look at me, they'd see that my shoulders were subtly shaking, and while my long hair obscured my face, when the waitress asked if there would be anything else, my voice audibly cracked as I asked for my bill. 

Just across the way at another table, two tourists sat and unabashedly stared while they whispered to one another. Rude! 

Ours is a crowded city. I can't count the number of times I've been in a Duane Reade or Gristede's and some young woman in Uggs (always in Uggs,) was on her phone crying, or fighting with someone, and nobody nearby so much as batted an eye. Why? Because in this crowded city, we understand the need for space, for invisibility. We respect one another by not making one another self conscious, by not bothering one another. This isn't because we don't care; on the contrary, it's because we understand. It's because we share so much: space, culture, fate, needs... 

When tourists come into our communal spaces and contravene our cultural standards it's intrusive. They are the proverbial "ugly Americans", regardless of from where they come.   

So I beg of you non New Yorkers: come enjoy our beautiful city, but learn something about our customs and culture, and please don't treat us locals as spectacles. We're just living our lives, and sometimes, that means we are publicly messy.  

Ignore us. (Except when we're trying to pass you on the sidewalk; then, for God's sake, please, get the hell out of our way. )

Saturday, January 28, 2023

28.01.2023

Have you seen these

Slight bones of mine?

Riddled and porous with disease

You may think of them as

Well buried treasure, 

(I'm sure that even the worms wait with bated breath!) 

I may be pieced together with

pins, screws

Even staples in places

But I'll tell you something about this broken body :

I have stolen the mantle of Atlas,  

And granted Sisyphus leave from his labours

And you 

You look at me as though the weight of your discomfort alone should knock me over. 






Friday, January 27, 2023

27.01.2023

The world has presented me with
An ultimatum: either I must divorce myself from it, remain on friendly terms, or separate from it completely ; for now I choose the former :


At last, no rage 

At dying light, 

For restless futures, no more fight

The world has won:

I set it free

I've signed the forms

I am at peace.

Wednesday, January 25, 2023

25.01.2023 I

Poor philodendron,  
Cut off from your mother's roots
Even in your clean glass jar
With plenty of air, and water and light,  
Your sad leaves lie 
Curled on my table: resigned
I think I'm a bit like you 
I am motherless too
Fatherless soon as well
And a widow now, to boot
But dear green friend, as yet, 
I hold out more hope for you
Your verdant days are not over
Your time in the sun, not through
Even now, above your limp, rolled leaves
New growth— green and bright
Reaches forth, against all odds 
And searches for the light. 

Sunday, January 22, 2023

22.01.2023 II

Tired addict
I have laid out my final supply
Haphazardly as road salt
Hope! (Treacherous drug) 
Once I have consumed your 
final dregs 
I'll never touch such horrid 
stuff again. 

22.01.2023 haiku

Soft thing, 
with broken wings 
Stapled to your perch

20.01.2023

And in the end, you 

Embraced me like an old friend you hadn't seen since college

You'd touched my arm twice

It was awkward, but it felt good 

For once, to touch another heart's blood

Heart's skin, and when 

At 86th Street

We said farewell

I watched you descend into 

The bloodstream of the city

Emptied, I  wondered the 

Aisles of CVS 

Bought unnecessary mascara

And eyelash serum

And then sent you 

My accurate shadow 

To keep.

Saturday, January 21, 2023

21.01.2023 II

Floating over leaden feet out from hospital halls 

An automaton.   Your jeans, and bra 

Crumpled into the bottom of a white, plastic bag

I felt like I carried your sad body in that bag, 

I moved— not quite walking 

Head down hung mouthed

Fallen faced in crowds 

I needed the world to see that I was broken. 

"There's something to be said for widow's wear" someone told me, 

And so I wore your last breath like a black veil 

Over everything I touched

And allowed the discomfort 

Of waitresses and taxi drivers 

To lie across my body like 

Grey assuagement. 



21.01.2023 Hunger

If only it were permissable

To beg you to fill me with yourself

Obliterate this barrenness 

Eventhough, I've no ready-made future on which to sell you

I recognise the request is preposterous  

Offensive even, but look

These are my hands

Aching                  Empty and 

This is my mouth

Alike                       In want

My pockets as well are now empty—

I bring nothing from before

The stones with which I had

Filled them have all been

Repatriated

And I am here, ready to share

Their mean country

Won't you pluck me from this dust

Set me upon your cool mantle

Amongst your candles

Dried hydrangea

And special things? 



Thursday, January 19, 2023

19.01.2023

At three-and-a-half, a surgeon's knife 

Carved my future from my belly 

That was the first I learned that even 

My body is not mine. 

At eight, alone, I staked my claim 

When I opened my wrists like early birthday presents.

Wednesday, January 18, 2023

Triptych #3 18.01.2023

 I

The hell with your false bravado

Your obligatory resilience bores me to death

Show me instead, your

Soft wounds, open hand

Show me the stubbornness of your trust

And I will open to you like a tasty wound.


II

A broken bone, improperly healed 

Must be rebroken to reset correctly

I break myself open

One hundred times a day

I'll never heal correctly—

I make certain of it.

This is my demonstration

Against your bloody bootstrap imperative

I hoisted my sign the first time at thirteen, lying half unconscious beneath the 

Head cheerleader's mother's tire

They said I might lose the foot

Instead, I gained a gentle new thing 

Softness can be stubborn too.


III

Carrie: 

Each time I think of your last days in that horrible bed 

I'm haunted by your blue hands

Toward the end, they'd tied them down so you couldn't extubate yourself. 

The finality came, your stone hand in mine, I watched your chest heave 

Artificially

Long after the screen told me that your heart had stopped.

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

17.01.2023

17.01.2023


We who subsist, one foot in the ground are 

Powerful growers; our 

Branches might even blot out your sun, 

Steal its harsh light to feed our own 

Leaves. Forgive me, please, for this brief narcissism

Will you now hate me for my admission?

Sunday, January 15, 2023

15.01.2023

Suicide is a drug, and I 

Am addicted

Each dose fixed slightly less carefully than the last

I watch my own ritual, over

And over

One day I'll drift off into the sweet sleep of overdose

I imagine the elements of my life as detritus—

the granny cart that was Carrie's "from the Queens days", with one wheel now held on by a corrupted bobbypin

My brass flask

(Will it be discovered empty, containing only the vague scent of brandy?)

Will the unopened bottle of Chanel N°5 in the back of the fridge 

Find a new neck to perfume? 

Will the thousands of books that crowd my apartment find their own lonely tomb, or

Will they live again? 

I miss smoking. 

Well, why shouldn't I? What's the use in abstinence now? This crass charade that

If we behave virtuously, we can live forever? No thank you. 

I imagine myself as a memory

Or a cautionary tale—

"Poets almost never end up happily, become a plumber, instead!"

Suicide is a drug, and I am addicted

This taste of sweet freedom the tongue can never forget.

Saturday, January 14, 2023

14.01.2023 II Love Note

What better thing could there be than to be

That soft spot where you might land

When all the worlds— 

both inside and out 

have assailed you with calloused hands?  

14.01.2023

It's day again.

Awakeness again.

This brash returning to me

I'm never ready.


My angry, growling neighbour is shouting and slamming doors again

The wall between our apartments shakes


A raucous chorus of sostenuto horns break through my thin windows again—

Other exasperated people I'd never ordinarily have to know are stuck in traffic on some impassable block

And now I know them

I know them too well

It's intimate

My tired body has been penetrated by someone else's impatience again


But now, the buzzer sounds–

FedEx is here again


My phone rings,  

It's Citibank again


There's no time for a gentle awakening

No time to meet the day slowly, on softened feet


The things that others

Seem to accept as a precondition of the world

Assail me


Day is an impatient dog with unkempt claws

Scratching up my tender legs.

Friday, January 13, 2023

13.01.2023

Apparently, I missed my morning pills (which include my prozac) 

Everyday this week until today. 

Last night, I was feeling so close to giving in, that 

When I came home from my doctor's appointment, I downed half a bottle of brandy the moment I'd dropped my purse on the sideboard

Harm reduction

My doctor is doubling my dose 

I suppose it would help more if I remember to take it

Yesterday was also my final session with a grief counselor

I was allotted eight

Eight forty-five minute sessions 

Spread out over nine weeks 

For the loss of my love 

Of eighteen years

Yesterday was hard 

I almost went looking for my cache

Today, so far is slightly easier; I don't trust it.  

Sometimes the killer is inside the house

When mine gets bored, he stands over me with ultimatums: 

Poetry or pills?

Be wary, I guess, if ever I go silent.

Thursday, January 12, 2023

12.01.2023

 Never have I swum in gentle creeks

Only torrents wild, arroyos, shallow and quick to anger have bathed me

I drowned a hundred times before I was three

That was the summer of my surgery

Recovering, my mother placed a donut for me on her dresser—

Pink frosting with sprinkles on a blue and white plate

If I wanted it, I'd have to get up from their expansive green bed and walk 

Seven feet 

Cross the ochre, shag carpet

Heavy guts tumbling out from fresh, red and yellow sutures.

10.01.2023

Some mornings

Like this morning

As slowly I rise, a phoenix from sleep

I forget that I'm alone in my bed, I dream

A partner who's impatiently awaiting her coffee

A dog who needs me to let him out to pee

A mother I have to call

Even a mythical kitten enthralled

Hunting invisible bugs on the wall

When finally, I catch up to reality

It's a shock; I go through 

All my recent losses

And the grief begins anew.

Wednesday, January 11, 2023

11.01.2023 I

11.01.2023 I


Suspiciously, slightly less suicidal this morning

Though I've learned to mistrust this absence of drive

That old and comforting, familiar friend; I've known her since I was eight: the first time 

I opened my wrists on that rust pitted blade broken 

Off from a red, plastic pencil sharpener. 

She's kept me company through my darkest epochs, some lasting days or weeks, or years. Even decades. 

She's only ever an aching palm away 

Close as my own fingerprints.

Maybe she's just gone out for groceries. 

Maybe she's off on holiday.  She rarely says when she's leaving or 

For how long she'll be away

However, kind friend that she is, she knows just how to anticipate my need for her; something

Happens and Bang! she's right beside me once again.

Monday, January 09, 2023

09.01.2023 II

How often I want to ask you

Could you love me

Could you do

What I need you to do? 

Could you stand beside me while I dance this daily danse macabre

Could you abide me even as I rob 

From you your afternoon light? 


The hydrangea with which I've bedecked my mantle

Arrived already dead

Not wilted but crisp and warm brown in their winter sleep

A bit like me

This "elegant skeleton" who

Stands here before you, still

Possessed of beauty in my place between the worlds, asking

Could you love me? Could you

Love me loving you? Could you

Tend to my grave after I've passed through? 

Could you adore this thing that insists to cling

To sides of cliffs

Stubborn goat

Who- all too aware the narrow ground is 

Even now crumbling beneath her cloven hooves?

Who refuses her place in the Ridiculous parade for 

Those vainglorious warriors who maintain 

Some futile hope against entropy—


Could you love me? 

Could you accept me loving you? 

Could you even 

Dance with me, or simply bang the 

Timpani while I do what I do?

09.01.2023 I

 Diminished by your loss,

Only slightly there

I hang on by a gold locket of your silver hair

Or a whiff of mysteriously perfumed air– 

Egyptian musk, that 

Haunts the small hall 

Outside our room—

Is that you? Are you there? 

Why won't you come in, wrap around me again? 

I don't understand,  

Are you there? Are you aware? Or 

Are you no spectre at all? Only air? 


If I go on to find you will I too dissapear:

A collection of recollections

A cautionary tale? An occasional whiff of Chanel N°5 

Which no one but you would attach meaning to? 

"Old Lady Perfume" you called it

And you were right

I am older than the dirt that covers your white 

Coffin, on whose lid I left my 

Red lip mark

One last joke whose punchline will hang over you forever. 

You hated to kiss me when I was wearing lipstick

I loved to torture you 

That same way. 

"Blech! Blech!" You'd swipe at your lips by back of hand.

This image, more than any other I fold into a small square

And tuck it neatly inside my brassiere. 





Saturday, January 07, 2023

07.01.2023 II

The hydrangea corpses hang on in my winter garden

Still beautiful in death

Elegant skeletons

We have something in common I suppose

I still receive compliments although I too am dead. 

Still, 

Nobody picks my brown blooms for their mantle. 


07.01.2023 I

My life stretches out behind me 

Like a rat's tail; I cannot shake it. 

Before me, an interminably high and broad 

Wall: solid and grey as slate. 

No way over or around it, 

Only thing is to join with it:

Become carbon again!

Compost compressed 

Time immemorial

What a wonderful word: 

Im. Em. Orial. 

Time will not remember me, 

Will not recall my soft thoughts or deeds— they'll dissolve

Along with my flesh; my

Cheeks and breasts, 

Belly and thighs, a 

Delicious repast for the

Microbes and mites

Calcium will be the final discernable element— the only fossil or record of me. 

How wonderful to be

Come that wall before me. 



Friday, January 06, 2023

Twenty-Six Green, Thirty-Eight White

 The vile of green sticks, and the 

Bottle of flat, white 

Pills scare me.  Too easily swallowed with a glass of brandy

Impossible to forget, and far too handy.


They wait me out, just out of sight

I count them out on Friday nights

Twenty-six green, and

thirty-eight white.

06.01.2023 I

 I've always been a little in 

Love with death;

She's gently teased from my first glimpse of light

"Come hither to safety you tired, wary babe,

Come rest your head upon my breast."

She is mother, father, and lover as well–

Even as she claims each for her own.  

Oh death, how your great, broad 

Curling arms call me 

To lay myself down by the roots of trees;

How your promise of safe, and dreamless sleep warms me

Even as I in your cutting wake freeze. 


 

Thursday, January 05, 2023

05.01.2023 IV

 My eyes are so much worse than they were even nine months ago;

the last time I had a vision exam. 

I've had surgery since then, for a detaching retina.  

It's made little difference. I

Still see the strange, bright white flashes of light

I still can't read the cable guide

In fact, 

I'm having so much trouble reading much of anything. 

I went today into Cohen Optical to

Ask about a new vision exam

A new pair of glasses, explain how the old ones are 

Worse than nothing at all. 

"You'll have to wait until April" she tells me, either that or

Pay out of pocket.  

Five hundred dollars, minimum it turns out. 


I'll wait. 


Just three more months. 

After all, I barely drive anymore

And who needs to read, anyway?

05.01.2023 III

 Maurice has a hernia.

He lifts te many layers of his sweatshirts to show me. 

"That looks painful" I grimace

"It don't hurt. If it don't go away in Febyooary, they gonna take care of it in March."

We talk about the dangers of surgical mesh ; I decide not to tell him how it slowly murdered my mother over 24 years. 

He asks me if I'm married. I decide not to tell him I'm a widow. 

As I'm getting up from the bus bench to leave, he asks me for a hug. There are giant, gloppy tears falling from his right eye. 

I hug him twice per his request. 

He asks if he can squeeze my ass.

He asks me if I'll be his friend.  

But he wants more from me than I have to give

Even to myself.

05.01.2023 II

 The world can't sustain its interest in tragedies.  

Past the point of titillation, beyond the opportunity for heroism, where chosen responsability and hopelessness collide 

Lies irrevocable fatigue.

I must be very tiring. 

(I exhaust myself.)


I feel myself becoming a forgone conclusion. 


It's a comfort 

Of sorts.      The circle grows smaller. 

I'll spill my guts until they 

All slip away on the offal mess. 

It's a leak that no

Matter how I try, 

I cannot seem to plug. 

05.01.2023 I

The candle upon my yellow table

Why won't its flame stay still, and calm? 

There's no swift current of air passing over it

Instead, too aware of its vanishing dawn

It gambols,    it bounds, 

Awild 

Unrestrained

A polyphony!   Its internal law. 

Wednesday, January 04, 2023

04.01.2023 III

 

What can we learn from poor 

Unica Zürn

Anne Sexton 

And Sylvia Plath?

That being a poetess is bad for one's health!


04.01.2023 II

 Homecoming is a predatory, corpulent child

Not patient to wait 'til I've undressed and eaten

But pounces upon my tired, sore back

Shouting "giddyap, giddyap, giddyap!"

04.01.2023 I

 When Emily Dickinson wrote of

"Hope", 

 As "a thing with feathers that perches in the soul", 

She neglected to mention its terrible beak

And talons for tearing into the weak

Hope is no gentle, cooing dove,  

But a hungry and treacherous beast from above. 

Tuesday, January 03, 2023

03.01.2023 IV

This pain behind my collarbone that

Snatches away my breath

Comes sharp, un-preannounced

A rather indelicate guest 

Who I'll invite to stay nevertheless

Such pain is only comfort

As from a workman's calloused hands

I will not make him leave

Regardless of the requests

Of all my other snooty guests.

03.01.2023

 When I– relieved

Go on to join 

The tree roots, and weeds, I 

Do not go clean or white as a bleached bone

But silted and sooted and properly burned

For losing my world has left its scorch inside me.

Monday, January 02, 2023

02.01.2023 III

 Nothing is ever wasted;

there's nary a thing as waste:

Whether a meal for entropy, growth, or mirth, or the 

Hungry worms that till the earth.

02.01.2023 II

Somewhere across the concrete yard that gives 

Pause 'tween the teeth of my Yorkville block

Someone is beating a nail into wood

Tap, tap, bang

Hammer nail two by four

Monotone marimba

Unfortunate concerto

And I– I linger in bed

'gainst open window cold

Covers yanked up 

Around my bare breasts

Whilst an impatient January morning 

Circles like a wolf

Eager for a fallen scrap of meat.

02.01.2023 I

 This dreadful thing,  this

Opening to consciousness,  to

Light and

Consequence

And hope

The latter of course, the most treacherous of them all. 

Saturday, December 31, 2022

Yes, this grief is sweet

But is no recomcompense  for your absence. 

It has taught me many things, this grief, like

How to manage bills, and

How to get through milestones such as

Birthdays, and

New Years Eve

(Light candles, drink too much wine, eat pizza and pretend it's just another day) 

And yes, as Rumi implied,

Missing you is sweet, 

But how saccharine, I think, 

I'd so much rather have you next to me 

Watching the Twilight Zone in bed, 

Eating "cruds" and crackers and brie 

Assuring one another of how

Unimportant this day really is

Because we have each other

And what could matter more? 

Except that now,  of course, 

We don't.

Monday, December 26, 2022

 We walk hand in hand round the grey reservoir, 

Or on rain-soaked cobblestone, slippery sidewalks, 

'Neath soggy, cold and golden trees

Note the patterns in the trodden on leaves

Dodging loud tourists who block our way

Staring lost at their phones, looking for the Met

This is our time, our city, 

Our space

My melancholy 

And me.


Saturday, December 24, 2022

 I am, I suspect, in danger of falling in love with my grief, so predisposed have I always been to melancholia.  

It's the most suitable substitute for my lost Love I've yet to find: always present, safe, and warm, a generous partner to hold against me in a cold, expansive bed. 

Were I to buy into the paradigm that we somehow choose our fates, I might even believe that I went into this relationship fully, so that I might fully experience losing Carrie, and the subsequent violent dissolution of my entire universe. But I'm not a fatalist. I did not choose this.

And yet, I've little choice but to embrace it with my whole being, which includes of course, finding the immeasurable beauty within it.  

This vocation is my love letter to Carrie: even if it's a letter she'll never read.

Friday, December 23, 2022

Into a winter's afternoon sleep

Eyes shut tight against the light  

Images of fallen, yellow gingko leaves 

Coating the wet sidewalks and streets

Their curled edges: sparkling shards 

Of facetted amber in the 

Slanted golden light.

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

 I realised something last night whilst on a particularly lovely date; we were talking about what it was we were each looking for, and at first, I'd said something along the lines that I was hoping to find a friend with whom I could share physical intimacy,  but then, as I thought about it more, I realised, I'm not as interested in hookups as I'd previously thought.  I really do want some kind of actual intimacy that's expressed through many ways, including (but not only)  sex, rather than simply sex itself, for its own sake.  This may not sound revolutionary, but for me, it was revelatory.

I don't miss coming, nor even making someone else come; I  miss the excitement that comes from the slow peeling away of the layers of artifice we all cultivate in order to survive this world, both from myself and from somebody else, allowing our true selves to meet, and the warmth, the friction and melding that occurs as a natural result, when sex is simply the closest tool at our disposal for bringing our bodies along where our souls have already gone.

I've been desperately hurrying through the grief of losing my partner,  because part of me is convinced I will never again find the easy kind of intimacy the two of us shared, and it's true, I may not; this is a terrifying thought. I've been subsuming my grief in the process of trying to slake my physical hungers, but with this realisation came the understanding that those hungers aren't only,  nor even mainly physical.  I cannot run from this pain, and, I no longer wish to.  Instead, I want to grow toward something. 

This process has been, and will continue to be painful, but it has also been, and I hope, will continue to be beautiful.  This is metamorphosis: the dissolution of a previous self in order to emerge anew, and I'm here for it. I'm here for all of it.

Friday, December 16, 2022

Oh, to feel, 
Indeed, to BE unhurried again
To have the time 
To take time,  to
Shrug off this weighty mantle of desperation;
This, alas, is the privilege of the young, where 
We who've seen 
Fifty (plus) years
Who've lost that which we were
Once so able to take for granted, must
Pressed by time and the march of Entropy,
fev'rishly rush to secure our nests, to
Bolster our stores
All the while, too aware of the approaching winter.

Wednesday, December 14, 2022

 Theoretical me I to theoretical me II : 

"Honestly, I don't know whether I'm coming or going these days. "

Theoretical me II to theoretical me I :

"That must put quite the damper on your dating life."

Monday, December 12, 2022

Even the winter buds hide their eyes in anaesthetic sleep on days like this, 
But I,
Foolhardy bear, hungry for beauty, 
(or distraction,)
Venture out from my warm and well appointed cave
Not nearly layered sufficiently, 
My bones split and splinter in the cold. 

Thursday, December 08, 2022

It's 3:08 AM, and the cold emptiness that woke me is creeping up my inner walls, filling me full with Nothing.

Tuesday, December 06, 2022

 Today, when I broke down, quietly sobbing in Max Brenner, the reason I was so upset that the tourists at the next table were staring at, and whispering about me, is because it was a direct contravention of New York protocol.  

Ours is a crowded city.  I can't count the number of times I've been in a Duane Reade or Gristede's and some young woman in Uggs (always in Uggs,) was on her phone crying, or fighting with someone, and nobody nearby so much as batted an eye.  Why? Because in this crowded city, we understand the need for space, invisibility.  We respect one another by not making one another self conscious, by not bothering one another.  This isn't because we don't care; on the contrary,  it's because we understand.  It's because we share so much: space, culture, fate, needs... 

When tourists come into our communal spaces and contravene our cultural standards it's intrusive.  They are the proverbial "ugly Americans", regardless of where they're from.  

So I beg you non New Yorkers, come enjoy our beautiful city,  but learn something about our customs and culture, and please don't treat us locals as spectacles.  We're just living our lives, and sometimes,  that means we are publicly messy.  

Just ignore us.  (Except when we're trying to pass you on the sidewalk; then, for God's sake, please, get the hell out of our way. )

Monday, December 05, 2022

This wound that you left in my life

will never heal;

It's edges, 

Crusted, dried and inflamed still itch

And burn

And ooze all over everything:

Our bed, 

The yellow chair

Even my favourite wrap dress is ruined

I will never 

Wear it  

Again.

Friday, December 02, 2022

Note: the following is not a suicide note.  It's simply a reflection of my daily struggle, of the omnipresence of ideation I've lived with since I was 8, and particularly since my love passed away.  

I'm a poet; I often write for the purpose of catharsis, as a way to exorcise certain tendencies.

I'm not a danger to myself, and in fact, I'm committed to doing everything in my power to stay in this beautiful and terrible world.  

...

Today marks one month without my Carrie by my side, 

And as I sit here in my deep, soft velvet reading chair, 

My breakfast of a 

Quartered apple 

And a bowl of coffee on the Little Yellow Table before me, 

Showered, and perfumed, 

Dressed, and shod,

I can't help thinking that today, 

This moment

This spot 

Might be the perfect

Day

Moment, and 

Spot 

To crack open my father's bottle of Oxy,

And down them with my morning coffee. 

Thursday, November 24, 2022

There are two stones on the living room window sill,

I don't remember how they got there;

I suppose I found them somewhere, and their smooth roundness was pleasing to my senses. 

I have always collected things. They hang around, long after their provenance is forgotten: it's a sort of death of its own I suppose: these objects bereft of their meanings become like carcases. 

There are two stones on the living room window sill; I no longer remember from whence they came, nor why I held onto them, but now, I'll keep them nonetheless.  

After all, on their surface may still linger some stray molecules of your living breath.

There were so many plans:

We were going to buy a new bed, one that didn't slope on my side

A wardrobe, and dresser (I have "way too many clothes") 

One day, we'd go on a cruise; I've never been on one before, and you told me how black and impenetrable the night was out at sea

I wanted so badly to one day show you MY Israel, the way you've shown me YOUR New York. 

There was a future, already written

whose pages have now been torn from their spine. 

Monday, November 21, 2022

 You'd even offered to try

Sleeping without tv

In the silent darkness that always scared you

It reminded you of death you'd always told me 

And your frenzied mind wouldn't stop, so you could sleep

But you were willing to try

If only I'd come home

To sleep beside you

Get you your water before bed. 

Lemons

The lemons I'd placed in this bowl have dried out

No longer yellow and soft

The spider plants have all died,  their

Dessicated leaves folded in surrender 

The blue rug lies,

Just where I left it

But the northeast corner, no longer held in place by your exercise chair 

Has flipped over, leaving a 

Right angled ghost

In the dust on the floor. 

This house is a mess

There is chaos everywhere

Fruitflies drown in my bedside water at night

It's cold, 

And the heavy comforter is slowly collecting into a pile on the floor by my side of the bed

No warm body next to me 

To halt this entropy.

Saturday, November 19, 2022

I will sit alone on my cold terrasse at my little yellow table and drink my wine 

I will look for patterns on our sidewalk in the fallen yellow gingko leaves

I will walk to the churchyard and talk to the small flowers that bloom only in the winter

And I will continue to ache for you

I will sip my chocolate slowly, holding the warm cup in both my cold hands

I will dive headfirst into De Beauvoir and Bataille

I will enjoy the sting of the cold Fall air in the back of my throat

And I will continue to ache for you

I will get up each morning and weigh myself, marking each increment toward my shifting goal

I will walk our neighbourhood, discovering new things to tell you about

I will date, and I will kiss and I will fuck and I will love, 

And I will continue to ache for you. 

I will seek joy

I will find beauty

I will embrace the malaise that permeates my nights

I will continue to converse with you if only in my own head

And I will forever continue to ache for you.

Wednesday, November 09, 2022

 I still remember how the skin of your upper arm felt under my tracing fingertips, the way it felt to pass my hand under the sleeve of your t-shirt to touch your cool back.  I remember your scent and the gravity of your body beside me in bed. How, back to back, we'd press the soles of our feet together, sometimes even interlacing toes. 

How this new aloneness is real is beyond my comprehension; I reject it and search for your ghost.

The waking world holds no light for we the grieving 

And so we sleep


And sleep



And sleep 

by whatever means available

And try to dream our missing selves into Lightedness. 

Thursday, November 03, 2022

 "Widow":

the word fits like a too tight, comically ridiculous black velvet hat, but it also feels right.  I want the world to know my world has been cracked in half and left bleeding.

I want strangers to be soft with me, waiters and clerks and cashiers to understand and speak gently, make no demands

Because right now, the glue that held me together is gone, and the tiniest bump will shatter me into a million shards.

Friday, October 28, 2022

27.10.2022

 We New Yorkers are experts at staving off loneliness, so long as there's a 24 hour diner nearby our apartment, so long as we can afford to avail ourselves, (at least for the moment).

The girl in the booth across the aisle from me is talking to her male friend:

"I'm really hungry! I think I'll get the panini ala vodka. Ooh, with chicken! But they have broccoli too. I like broccoli."

Her friend doesn't correct her and the waiter suddenly shows up at their table. 

"I want the panini ala vodka" she says. 

I lean over: "I think you really want the penne ala vodka" I say, smiling.  She laughs: 

"Oh right! I'm really drunk" she says.

"Good for you!" I say,  "I just didn't want him to bring you a pressed sandwich soaked in vodka."

Saturday, October 22, 2022

Until

 The panic attack rose while I was in Whole Foods like a wave of nausea I had to keep down or I'd collapse into a screaming, sobbing ball, punching the sides of my own head in the spaghetti sauce aisle. 

"Have the two of you discussed what measures would you like us to take in case your heart stops?" 

It was a routine question, but the way in which it was asked...

The young doctor was almost apologetic, nervous.  She'd spoken as if the question wasn't really "if", but "when". 

Carrie, of course, wanted all possible measures taken.  The young doctor tried to dissuade her: "You know what that means?  That there will be a breathing tube as well as compressions,  and that you'll likely need to remain on the ventilator until..."

The unspoken end of her sentence was the loudest sound I'd ever heard.

Wednesday, October 19, 2022

Inertia

Nothing so crass as pills or opened veins,
Neither rope, nor belt tied o'er the back of the bedroom door
No
If I lose you, 
I will sit here, 
Neither eat nor drink
Fallen prey to inertia
While the world decays around me
Buries me in its weighty detritus
'til my roots rejoin the earth
My constituent parts 
return to the soil
(My "self" will be already gone)
For who am I, to 
stand in the way of
Entropy?
After all,
It's not personal; 
(Nothing enormous ever is, is it?)
It's just the natural order of things.

Thursday, August 18, 2022

 This is a strange and different country, this grief, over the things that are 

Promised to leave me.

Although I've been here before, I know only very few words in the local tongue, and 

Barely any of the customs.

The cuisine too is strange 

(and potentially poisonous)

But nonetheless, for now, here I sit:

A polite guest at my host's table 

Fork and knife and spoon in hand.