Friday, January 12, 2007

The Problem With Cheap Tampons


Ma’ayan was in the bathroom and I asked what the problem was.

"I just got my period and I'm out of tampons.  I hate to do this to you, but will you run out and get me a box?"

It was 11:45 at night, and the only place open in our neighborhood was the corner bodega.  When I got there, there was one box of tampons.  They were in a dusty faded red and white striped box, looked about 20 years old, and the writing was in some language I'd never seen before, but they were definately tampons, as far as I could tell.  I bought them and shuffled home to my dear girlfriend.  She was a little grossed out when she saw that the box was so dusty and old.  "They're gross!

I could get toxic shock or something!"

Nonetheless, she used one, and we went to bed.

The TV or my need to pee or both woke me up at 4:34 and I groggily made my way to the bathroom.  When I got back, there was Ma’ayan sound asleep, naked and spread eagle on the bed, and there, poking out of her vagina was not the usual white string, but something that looked like the tip of a tiny lion's tail, and it was wagging.

"Ma’ayan!" she snored at me in response.  I opened up my cellphone and shined the blue light on her crotch.  It was definately a tail of some kind.  I gave it a little tug, and suddenly saw a little cloven hoof sticking out below a small brown hairy rear.  As I pulled more, Ma’ayan began to wake up.  "What are you doing? We can't have sex.. go back to sleep."

"But there's a little horse or a goat or somthing in your vagina!"

She sat bolt upright, turned on the light, and looked down, and suddenly began to sob, but not like she was upset or even shocked or scared... she actually seemed happy.

"I knew if I waited long enough, I'd get one... don't you see?  It’s the giraffe I wished  for on my sixth birthday!"  and she pulled it the rest of the way out.

There, sitting on the bed, between my girlfriend's open thighs, was a 3-inch tall baby giraffe, trying to get its land legs and failing miserably.

"He’s so cute!" she squeeled. 

He was, but...

"I want to call him Benny.  Quick, go get me some milk from the fridge."

It's been 3 weeks now, and Benny has become part of the family.  He's brought us closer than we ever were, and he's not even high maintenance or anything.  The trouble is, he's now nearly 9 feet tall.  The Karils, our downstairs neighbors have started to complain that they hear clopping on the floor at strange hours of the night, and plaster is falling on their heads, and our chandelier, the one my mother bought us for the new apartment is broken.  The other day, Mr. Karil cornered me in the elevator, and I had to tell him that my  300 pound Aunt Margi is staying with us and she’s a slightly deranged aging flamenco dancer... I had to promise that we'd only let her practice in the afternoon.

Also, the ashtray that became a litterbox that's now a sandbox that's sitting in the middle of our living room is becoming insufficient, and since Ma’ayan works days, and I stay home, I'm the one who has to empty it 3 or 4 or 5 times a day, and I've already stuffed up the toilet several times.  Giraffe poop doesn't smell much but it's pretty big and can really stuff a toilet.  Don’t quote me on this, but I think we're going to end up having to move to Jersey or something soon.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

The first observation Z made, was of a young woman walking with a child’s carriage past his building on his way back from the laundry room. She was talking avidly and excitedly apparently to the carriage’s occupant, and Z thought to himself, “how nice, she talks to her child as an adult. No baby talk, no cooing, no patronizing…” and she seemed perfectly normal. Then, as she came closer, Z began to overhear the content of the conversation:
The woman- “how can I depend on you for anything? You say you’ll pick it up and yell at me when I remind you but here it is Thursday, and you still haven’t gotten the laundry.”
The baby – “... “
As she came yet closer and just as Z was about to condemn her as insane or at the very least unfit to pilot a carriage on a public sidewalk, he noticed the thin black wire hanging from her left ear.

Life in New York--
To live on a small island through which flows the entire world.