23.01.2024

If I could be honest with you, I mean, really, really honest, I'd tell you how lately, several times a day I have to forcibly keep myself from downing my generous cache of oxy and xanax, more out of terror at an uncertain future,  than simple hopelessness. 

If I could be honest with you, I mean, really, really honest, I'd tell you how the only way I can see myself surviving beyond this, or any given week, is if somebody came along and took me by the hand and promised to help me to navigate this nightmare world as if I was a child. 

If I could be honest with you, I mean, really, really honest, I'd tell you how I'm as terrified that someone will offer me help, as I am that no one will. 

If I could be honest with you, I mean, really, really honest, I'd tell you how what terrifies me is the thought that whoever offers me help will come to realise that I'm a fraud of a human being

Not even plastic, but paper

So easily torn

So easily torn to shreds.

31.12.2023

I had decided

That for the sake of self preservation

I'd regard the New Year as insignificant, to 

Do nothing to mark the occasion

And yet

In the upper right-hand corner of my phone's screen, it reads 

"11:48"

And I feel as though the seconds are ticking down to my execution. 

11:49

I wish it would pass 

Unceremoniously as any other night

But this night is different from 

All other nights;

On this night, the heel of a boot grinds into me

The coarse white ashes of my previous life

Abrasive

Leave tender, and bloody, and raw indentations. 

11:52

11:53

Alone. 

11:54

בדד

11:55

לעולם ועד 

11:56

חלאס

נמאס לי

Enough.