27.10.2022

 We New Yorkers are experts at staving off loneliness, so long as there's a 24 hour diner nearby our apartment, so long as we can afford to avail ourselves, (at least for the moment).

The girl in the booth across the aisle from me is talking to her male friend:

"I'm really hungry! I think I'll get the panini ala vodka. Ooh, with chicken! But they have broccoli too. I like broccoli."

Her friend doesn't correct her and the waiter suddenly shows up at their table. 

"I want the panini ala vodka" she says. 

I lean over: "I think you really want the penne ala vodka" I say, smiling.  She laughs: 

"Oh right! I'm really drunk" she says.

"Good for you!" I say,  "I just didn't want him to bring you a pressed sandwich soaked in vodka."

Until

 The panic attack rose while I was in Whole Foods like a wave of nausea I had to keep down or I'd collapse into a screaming, sobbing ball, punching the sides of my own head in the spaghetti sauce aisle. 

"Have the two of you discussed what measures would you like us to take in case your heart stops?" 

It was a routine question, but the way in which it was asked...

The young doctor was almost apologetic, nervous.  She'd spoken as if the question wasn't really "if", but "when". 

Carrie, of course, wanted all possible measures taken.  The young doctor tried to dissuade her: "You know what that means?  That there will be a breathing tube as well as compressions,  and that you'll likely need to remain on the ventilator until..."

The unspoken end of her sentence was the loudest sound I'd ever heard.

Inertia

Nothing so crass as pills or opened veins,

Neither rope, nor belt tied o'er the back of the bedroom door

No

If I lose you, 

I will sit here, 

Neither eat nor drink

Fallen prey to inertia

While the world decays around me

Buries me in its weighty detritus

'til my roots rejoin the earth

My constituent parts 

return to the soil

(My "self" will be already gone)

For who am I, to 

stand in the way of

Entropy?

After all,

It's not personal; 

(Nothing enormous ever is, is it?)

It's just the natural order of things.